I'm sitting here, staring directly at my closet door. It has a huge pile of junk in front of it, most of which isn't even mine. But, spring is coming, and I'm sick of looking at it, so I must clean it, lest the clutter gnaws away at my psyche.
Inside, I have a handful of dresses. I could probably count on one hand how many times I've worn each one, if at all. In the back, is a black and white knee length houndstooth dress. I was married in that. Well, rather, I stood in front of someone and signed some papers with it. In front of that, I have a brown, 70's style dress, that I've never put on, and in front of that is the black Dickies dress that I wore for both my brother's funeral and as a Halloween costume several years later. Somewhere in there I also have two discounted wrap dresses, which I fondly refer to as my "going to a wedding" dresses, and on the floor somewhere is yet another dress I've never bothered with, but have because...well, I don't remember, really. It looks vaguely Asian, but always seemed too formal or prom-like to use for any event I've been to since I've bought it.
In the forefront of everything I have, shadowing over even the collectables I own that take up 80% of the room inside, is yet another dress. This one, however, was always different.
It looks pretty much like other things I have in there. It's knee length, mainly white, with bright candy red cherries printed all over it and bold blue stripes around the trim. It's happy, cheery, and just begs to be worn in the sun.
I had always thought that whenever I saw it. One day, when the time was right, it would be there for me. I'd walk in, like the belle of the ball, and shine. My steps would be light and airy, and my smile would be warm and inviting. I'd socialize with ease, and charm the pants off of anyone I wanted. In my mind, I had inadvertently made this my modern day Wonder Woman costume.
That was what I had thought, anyway. In the 7 or so years since I've had it, I've not once put it on, other than to see if it still fits. It does, but, now it's not the same as it was when I got it. I'm older now, so the colors seem a bit bold for someone my age. And my legs aren't exactly begging to be seen, either. And there isn't a thing out there that makes me think I could wear this to...anything anymore.
I still love this dress, though. It's beautiful, and I had pinned so many of my future hopes on it. In my mind, I'd wear it to the parties I'd host at my future house, or to an upscale backyard barbeque that served tiny hors d'oeuvres and flutes of champagne.
But I don't own a house. And I've never been invited to anything that fancy. Nor do I think I will be at any point. So the real question comes to mind...what do I do with it?
I could sell it online. It's practically brand new, and in perfect condition. Or I could give it to a clothing center. I'm sure they'd happily take it. Or maybe I could give it to another plus-sized gal in need of her own power dress. That is...if I knew any.
I selfishly want to keep it though. That small, almost invisible part of me that still holds out hope that I can use it one day is what's keeping me from saying goodbye to it. I know it's probably never going to happen, but, my heart aches for it to come true.
So, for now, in my closet, this will stay. Away from the outside, away from everything else, and away from me.
I might not see it again for a long time...maybe for years, who knows. Life is odd like that. Maybe by then, the moths will have made a fine meal of it. At least someone will have gotten a use out of it.